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nadiya, my younger sister, sent me a tagged request. I went and checked out her profiles before signing up. Lucky i did that cos i saw Bobby E's name there, listed as friend. What the heck???????

so alright, it was over between me him, but i cant stop them from corresponding, right?? he always have soft spot for nadiya - saying she's his favourite sister.

so.. Okay.. Cool... But i am not signing up

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So my laptop randomly decided to DIE. I turned it on, and it wouldnapos;t boot up. So my dad and i went to geek squad @ best buy and the guy said "yep you have a problem" and we sent it away to the place where they will repair it maybe for free because it is still covered by the manufacturerapos;s warranty.. And HOPEFULLY my hard drive is still okay and they wonapos;t have to fuck with it when they are fixing the thing. It wonapos;t be the end of the world if the whole thing is fucked because i guess the most important stuff is my music. But fucking goddamn ughhhh. Itapos;s not even a year old, itapos;s not supposed to shit out on me yet >_<
(and obviously/stupidly i never set up my backup because i didnapos;t have a blank dvd-r or external hard drive or whatever the fuck people use to back-up their files)
so theyapos;re supposed to send it back in 2-3 weeks. Already i havenapos;t had internet for days and i am super-behind on reading livejournal and i canapos;t use aim or itunes, oh and did i mention i have to write papers soon, i hate this.... I can hook up my printer to emilyapos;s laptop but all of this research shit is going to be a pain in the arse...

anyway. It sucks but iapos;m not devastated. My first priority when i get a chance is to sit in a computer lab and catch up on lj reading (oh noes it will take me like 5 hours fkgkwhdkfgkg but i love yapos;all)

going back to concord is nice. I get to DRIVE and cuddle my stupid cat and sleep in my wonderful bed and eat my momapos;s food and take a shit in my own bathroom in the house i grew up in. Itapos;s great.

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I was observed a couple days ago and had a follow up meeting with the principle today. While she was observing, the students were very well behaved. They were all on task and focused on the lesson I was teaching. At the end of the notes for the day, I asked a question where they had to write complete sentences about how our topic related to the world outside of school, and I had many volunteers wanting to read their answers and give their own view on where we could use the lesson. It was a fantastic lesson, and I am so glad the principle was able to observe it. In my meeting with her, she did not have any suggestions that I was not already doing. I think this is, in part, because I have taken some ideas from the math coach at the school and had already implemented anything the principle was looking for at the first observation. It was a very rewarding feeling to have my boss tell me that I was doing everything right and to just keep doing it. The only thing I want to work on for myself is incorporating everything I did during that lesson in a majority of my lessons because sometimes the techniques are forgotten when I get into the lesson.

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so many people that I loved where there.. Like [name] and marcie. Weee it was so much fun seeing them again ;; and mauling them and jumping on them and licking them.. Good stuff.

I wonder if people from my past think about what Iapos;m up to. Maybe we all touch each otherapos;s lives to different degrees of importance, so someone I considered influential may only have some slight recollection of me and vice versa. Or maybe once youapos;re friends with me, I can never let go of my interest in you. Even if weapos;re no longer friends, a little part of me will always care. Itapos;s one of those bittersweet personality traits that I think only I have.

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Oi. Iapos;m feeling pretty bad about myself right now. Iapos;m so encapable of properly acknowledging any negative emotion. So instead, I binge.
I really donapos;t want this to be a part of my life anymore. When I was recovering from my eating disorder when I was 15, it was fine. But Iapos;m a different person now. Iapos;m stronger now. I do not need to succumb to these kinds of bad habits.
What I want to know is, WHAT AM I AFRAID OF? I canapos;t figure it out. I mean, I was in therapy for two years, and I made so much progress. And I feel like Iapos;ve noticably digressed. It sucks. Mucho. At this point, it isnapos;t even about the food. I can hardly taste it when Iapos;m in the apos;must eatapos; state. At least back in the day, I would gorge myself on cravings, now I donapos;t even care. When Iapos;m not feeling the need to binge, Iapos;m a healthy person. I eat organically, I exercise regularly, and I eat less that 2,000 calories a day. The things required to be healthy. I believe the phrase apos;your body is a templeapos;. I mean, this is the one thing I will always own The only thing I know I will always have control over. And because of emotions defects within myself, Iapos;m taking it out on my packaging. Lol.
I know part of what Iapos;m afraid of is Frank being gone. This is the one guy I...love? Iapos;m scared out of my mind to say it. It would mean so much if I do. I would have to change so many things in my life if I wanted us to be together for a long time. It would ruin all the things Iapos;ve worked so hard for. And Iapos;m even more scared to admit that there are moments when none of it matters. When it seems perfectly reasonable to drop everything when he gets back to be with him. But then my sensibly self kicks in. I mean, Iapos;m the person who always bragged that I could be perfectly happy being single for the next twenty years. And then Frank comes along. So not a part of the plan. I just feel so much confusion. SO MUCH. I donapos;t do well being in the apos;grayapos;. I need answers. I need solutions. apos;Maybeapos; is NOT in my vocabulary. If I change my mind about something, does that mean what I thought before was wrong? I guess another thing Iapos;m worried about constantly, is what other people think. I mean, I do so much to prove myself worthy to others. I hate when people see that Iapos;ve made a mistake, and have way too much pride to fit in such a small person. What would they think if I changed my life plans?
I need to accept that right now there ARE NO ANSWERS. All I should be focusing on right now is Frank getting home. Nothing else should matter. There is no way I can find a solution at this point in time.
Maybe part of the way I can not binge is to write down what Iapos;m going to eat in advance. That way itapos;s out of the way. Iapos;ll try to just stick to the list. I wonapos;t make it too healthy. Iapos;ll make it realistic.

Orange Juice
Quesadilla
Apple
Subway
Bar
High Tech Burrito
Organic Cheese Crackers

There. All things I like. Healthy, but realistic. I like eating out. Haha, so this wonapos;t be too hard at all.
Maybe Iapos;ll even head to the gym tommorrow night. Maybe.
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